More People are Scared of Public Speaking than Death

All of me.   Woah, that is big.  Maybe too much?  I don’t know.  Today, I realized that this is a huge deal for me.  I squirm in my seat thinking about this idea.  I get a little queasy and fake a sickness to get out of this idea.  I can’t exactly face this idea.  I probably have you wondering where the heck I am going with this.  You are probably thinking oh great here’s another shark tangent that she can write about for hours while I scroll past it and get to ending sentence only to realize every ending sentence in this blog is the same.  If I still have anyone in my captivated audience, go with me for a second.  All of me.  This is something I don’t do.  When I say I don’t do it.  I mean just that, I don’t do it.  I don’t give people all the information, I don’t usually even give them half the information.  I move quickly.  I say a couple of sentences and then change the subject back to them.  To be honest, I don’t want to have the time to talk about my issues and to talk about what I am dealing with usually.  Yeah, probably not the best way of going about it.  This is why, in situations where I am the most talkative person in the grouping, I end up in interview mode.  This whole idea of moving swiftly and not focusing on myself is probably why I went to school for broadcast journalism.  I didn’t want to tell stories about myself, I wanted to tell stories about other people.  Well, after some failed attempts at that, here I am…a blogger…about myself.  Ironic?

Getting back to the topic at hand (what I do best), I realized today that I have to change this in order to achieve ultimate happiness and live my life in the healthiest way possible.  I hate the idea of having everyone know every spare sock of dirty laundry I keep in my hamper, but I guess I have to clean it at some point.  This is my way of cleaning.  I am blogging that I have a problem.  I have to show people all of me.  I have to show them the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Let me tell you, there are more of the latter than I care to admit, but take it or leave it.  This is me.  I am not perfect.  I am a reformed perfectionist.  I have gone through an intervention.  I will never achieve perfection and that is okay with me.

But then again, these are only the mere thoughts of a jobless journalist.  :)

 

An Alarm Without Snooze…How Cruel and Useful…

Hello Blog World…it’s me.  I am back.  I guess in the last several months I have been facing a lot of changes.  I have been neglecting this blog at the same time, so please all of my loyal followers (aka my family and my one friend who I make subscribe to this) forgive me.  This won’t happen again.  I will blog and I will blog about anything and everything that I am feeling.  I will blog relentlessly until all of you are sick of me and don’t want me to blog again.  Get excited!  It is going to be fun.  

I am not just writing this today on a whim or new years resolution.  I am writing because I had a turning point.  I had a turning point that is unlike most turning points.  I had a time travel journey of sorts that made me wake up a say “wait, really?  Did you really need to bring this up today?”  Yeah, one of those.  Well I was cleaning my ever messy ever room and trying to figure out where to put everything when I came across my journal.  I thought I had lost it.  I really thought I would never see it again, but I think it was a gift.  A gift from God really.  Here is a little back story.  I have been struggling with myself lately.  I have been struggling with fear, worry, stress, and life in general.  If you have read my most recent blog posts you might have thought something was up but it has just kind of spiraled from there.  Lately, I have been putting on my face for the crowd, my work face, my friend face, my workout face, my happy face.  Well lets just get it out there in the open.  I have been racked with some issues that I don’t know quite how to deal with.  I have been walking through the world not really know where I am going and not really caring.  I have been numb.  I have been drowning.  

I opened my journal today, and saw a vow.  I saw a vow that I had made to myself about two years ago when I was first embarking on my journey out into the real world.  I made this vow when I was scared, worried, and stressed.  I made it when I didn’t know where I was going and when I cared about that.  I truly believe I made it for myself to find today.  Sometimes I think when you least expect it, God pops out and says hey remember me, I am helping you.  I am living through you.  I am trying to make you see joy in your life.  I am the joy in your life.  

I am making a promise to myself today that I am going to keep that vow that I made and that I am going to let God take over.  I don’t know where I have been and I don’t know why things are the way they are.  I am not sure how they will turn out.  I am not sure what the future holds, but why be afraid and why lose yourself in that?  Not how I want to live anymore, and not how I am going to live anymore.   

But then again, these are only the mere thoughts of a jobless journalist.  

The excerpt from my journal:

“I want to never be afraid of what could have been and what will be.” 

Sharks Must Get Tired

I live in brief snapshots of life.  Each vividly telling its own story with colorful details and grainy reality.  Having a photographic memory always used to serve me well.  It is the sweet moment during a test where the question asks about something on a page that had a tiny picture of a blue whale leaping out of the white crests of the sea.  In my mind I scrolled down the picture I had in my head and saw remnants of the right answer.  It was in those moments that I realized it was truly a blessing.  It was in the moments right after that perfect date where you want to repaint all of those surroundings again and again.  I could capture that and cradle it safely in my head for a while at least.  I could replay it like a frame in an old movie.  The sound isn’t the thing that holds the power anyway.  Honestly, the pictures that stick out the most even now, are the things I would wish not to have taken a picture of.  Things like the empty park bench on that cold day when you walked away.  The day was blustery and frigid and I should have known it was going to be bad news.  I should have known, but I didn’t.  Now, it is slated in a photo reel in my mind.  It flashes into motion when I see a bench, that sweater you wore out, or even the look on your face to someone else.  These are the pictures I remember with crystal clarity.

 

Anderson Cooper commented in his book that he was like a shark.  A shark can’t stop moving.  It has to keep swimming, even through the night.  I feel like Anderson, the shark, and I are one in the same.  Anderson meant it in the way that he can’t stay in one location at a time, that he had to keep moving to the next story and the next life-changing moment and I agree with him in that light, but I also tend to coincide with this analogy in another light.  In order to keep going, these snapshots have to keep flipping in my mind.  They flutter and spin in a whirl of thoughts highlighting ever too much on those certain images that keep my heart from moving.  These painful standstills of time.  I keep moving and keep busy to keep my mind numb to these thoughts.  I have to keep swimming to keep my head above the water.

But then again, these are only the mere thoughts of a jobless journalist.

Seasons

Yesterday, it was summer.

The sand spilled between my toes and warmed my feet

It crept into the pockets of the breezy fabric that clung to me.

The grains made a mask around my legs and arms,

shielding the exposed skin.

The warmth of the rays heated my blood

And dried any tears I had cried.

The gold strands shimmering across my lips

reflected my soul in the water.

 

Today, it is winter.

The jagged edges of dark ice cut into my boots,

leaving my feet naked and painfully raw.

Trapped in layers of cloth and cable knit,

Beaten by chills of air whipping in the tundra.

The water freezes onto my cheeks,

Staining the porcelain of my skin with reminders.

 

“All We Need is Love”

I find it amazing what some people do when they are in love with something.  It seems like they can overcome any obstacle.  They are invincible in this love.  They can climb mountains, get over sickness, create change or influence, or just simply let go.  This love is the love that is pure, down to the bone.  It is what gets people out of bed when they think they have nothing else left.  It may seem cliché but, honestly how can you deny it.  It is cliché because it is all around us without even really realizing it.  I feel as though everyone has something they are passionate about, whether buried deep inside or right out on the surface for all to marvel in.  Before this weekend I would have said that I wish that this love could be bottled up and preserved forever.

Some may say that love fades.  I don’t believe that.  I believe that if it was love in the first place, there is no possibility that it will fade or disappear.  I have come to find that you can hide love or act like it was never there but you can never truthfully deny it.  It is more powerful than we know.  It will remain.  It may be forgotten but it will stay.

Love is something we must all learn to do and it is something that I fear some of us don’t want to learn how to do.  Our world today is full of hate, anger, and grudges.  How can we love if we surround ourselves with this?  How can we teach others to love if this is what the world offers them?  I feel a little hopeless sometimes and I am sure I am not the only one.  I just feel like if I love others as much as humanly possible and as much as is in my power it will rub off.  Even if it doesn’t rub off, at least that person will feel love and maybe pay it forward.

But then again, these are only the mere thoughts of a jobless journalist.

“you have enough issues to fill a magazine rack”

There are people who are crying for help.  There are people who are trapped in situations or trapped with people.  There are people out there who can’t fill voids.  Who try and fill them with things that are only temporary or that hurt them even more in the end.  Sometimes I wish we could take all of those people and just make them happy.  Relieve them of all of the things they are dealing with and make everything better.  I wish that by giving them a hug or flashing them a smile and an encouraging “everything will be okay,” it would somehow magically transform everything they are going through.   I realize that by giving someone a teddy bear or a hug for that matter can’t fix everything…but I SO wish it could.

It is difficult watching someone who is in so much pain they almost can’t bear it all themselves.  It is also difficult to know that you can only do so much to help out.  You can sit there and listen, you can encourage, and you can give advice.  If that person wants to take your advice they will, but there is no way to guarantee anything.

It is a helpless gnawing feeling knowing that whatever you do, they are the ones that make the decision to pick up that blade or bottle.  What you say may mean nothing but why not take the chance that it will.  Why not at least try until you can’t possibly try any more.  It is almost painful not knowing what will happen next, not knowing if you will strike a chord and make them stop, but it is also necessary.  It is necessary for survival.  I hope, wish, and pray that everything will be alright.  And I secretly fear that it won’t be.

But then again, these are only the mere thoughts of a jobless journalist.

Beyonce Probably Holds Doors

So Destiny’s Child spoke to me today and said “I’m a Survivor, I’m not gon give up.”  Usually I associate this song with my middle school years of awkwardness including bangs, crooked teeth, and velour turtle necks…yeah I had one, it was purple and I really enjoyed wearing it.  When in middle school I always thought practicing routines in Bring It On and making up my own really awesome choreography to songs like this gem by Destiny’s Child would bring me what I wanted; to make the cheerleading squad and have really cool friends.  Sounds a little shallow but it was middle school, we all wanted to fit in. 

Now, of course, life is a little more difficult than trying to decide who out of you and your friends is going to be Kelly and Beyonce and which person is going to get stuck as Michelle while working out your lip sync for the talent show.  Today was one of those days where you wake up and think hey I feel pretty good about this.  I mean, let’s be real, I did not spring out of bed and forest animals did not help me get ready for the day but I knew it would be good.  After making a new best friend after my first meeting and realizing that oh yeah hey it’s Friday, the day was following in perfect step with my predictions.  Then BAM, the door slammed in my face…literally.  I was practically skipping to the door after a delicious lunch that seemed to be just the right amount of time, and this person completely ignored the fact that I was about a centimeter behind her…okay maybe not a centimeter because that would be a bit creepy, but I was pretty close behind her.  I thought, surely she is going to at least push the door a little as she is walking in so I can catch it and let myself in…..but no not at all.  I stood at the door for a second thinking I can’t believe she didn’t even do the push.  As I was continuing with my RNB Friday on my internet radio site and thinking about humanity going down the tubes, Destiny’s Child came on.  Because of Destiny’s Child, I decided hey humanity I am not going to give up on you, we are going to survive and be better for it.  I sincerely hope that people are going to stop being impolite, rushed, selfish, and inconsiderate.  A little overboard?  Maybe…but really people let’s get it together.  It’s not that hard to push a door, say thank you, or give a little wave when someone lets you into traffic.  So take a cue from Nike and Just Do It.  I’m glad we got that all sorted out.  I feel much better now.

But then again, these are only the mere thoughts of a jobless journalist. :)

The Magic Pen

I have been in a rut lately.  I was sitting here pondering my predicament when I looked down and saw my pen.  Now any ordinary person would say, okay yeah it’s just a pen, it does not have psychic powers, it’s not a magic eight ball, it can’t drive away a bad mood but I would beg to differ.  This pen that I looked at today was all three of those.  It definitely knew that I had been in a rut, it definitely knew what it needed to tell me, it definitely gave me advice, and it definitely put me in a better mood.  I chalk it up to the fact that yes, I have a magic pen.  I do, it’s true. 

I kept thinking to myself, before I saw my pen that is, that I was just failing at everything.  That I was a huge disappointment and that I just really needed to get my life together.  It has been strange to come back home and it is strange not to be in school when so many of my friends and foes are.  I have come back to American Idol and show choir drama, which is much different from Greys Anatomy and classes.  I have been struggling to feel like I fit.  I realized the other day that I can’t really go shopping at normal places anymore because they have the store split into Juniors and Women’s.  I used to be Juniors but ever since Miley Cyrus got her new clothing line, I am not quite in that realm.  I am also not quite in the realm of turtlenecks and dockers that come with their own set of kids and a minivan in the Women’s section.  What am I supposed to do?!  Well after my meltdown in Kohl’s and after I wished I would have just learned how to sew my own clothes, I had the pen experience that gave me a little more clarity. 

I bet you are all in intense suspense waiting to see just how this pen made me change my view on life.  Well I can guarantee that you will be a little disappointed now because I have talked it up so much so just be prepared for an anti-climactic moment.  My aqua pen dons the phrase, “All things are difficult, before they are easy.”  Now, I know what you are thinking.  This is kind of like a messed up fortune cookie that just gives you a phrase instead of an actual freaking fortune and you sit there looking at the plate of Chinese food you just finished in anticipation of a great fortune feeling dissatisfied and confused.  Well usually I would feel the same, but for some reason, today this phrase was much needed. 

It makes me feel like this situation is only temporary.  It has to be like this for it to get easier and for it to get better.  I tend to forget this a lot.  I tend to forget that it wasn’t always like this and that I have gone through ruts before and come out even better than before.  It will all get easier and it will all get better.  I am definitely keeping this pen because it knew the perfect thing to say.

But then again, these are only the mere thoughts of a jobless journalist. :)

Friends in Cars

Every time I am at a stoplight I wonder about the person sitting in the car next to me.  I think everyone does it at least every once in a while.  I glance over but try not to seem like I am staring.  Sometimes I get caught and it feels like I am awkwardly invading their space.  As soon as that happens I pretend to rifle through my purse in the seat next to me or look away like I have just been looking all over.  Scanning the landscape laid out around me.  Of course, inside, I am praying that they will just look away and forget that I had looked at them in the first place.  It is anything but discreet I am sure but it is one of those things where you can’t possibly just smile and hold your stare for longer and you definitely can’t waive.

When I sneak a glance, I wonder where they are going.  Are they off to the grocery store to pick up food for their family; are they off to the mall to meet friends; are they going on a blind date; are they going to the liquor store to get the supplies needed to get through a personal crisis in their own way; are they a double agent going on a secret mission to catch an assassin?  It could happen.  Usually it wouldn’t, but it could right?!

It is much easier to wonder all of these things when the person is jamming to a song.  They look as though they are gearing up to try out for American Idol.  Flailing their arms about in ways you didn’t think were possible, and screaming out the words to their favorite tune.  It is almost more fun this way because you have an excuse to look.  Any person singing and dancing in their car should not expect privacy.  It just doesn’t happen that way.  I always try and guess the song they are rocking out to.  Is it a Jay-Z song?  Maybe they are more alternative.  Or maybe they are jamming out to Whitney Houston’s Greatest Hits, which is definitely a winner and should be a winner in most cases.

Now that everyone knows what music they should expect when I am singing my lungs out in the car, I will move on.  The time you spend thinking about all of this is a matter of mere minutes or even seconds and then you go in two separate directions.  It is almost sad.  That could have been your soul mate or your best friend.  That person could have changed your life.  But the encounter has come to an end.  You have to follow traffic code and go on green.  You won’t ever know where they were going or why they were singing.  It is just a fleeting half-interaction.  Too bad we can’t have a meet and greet at every red light.  Wouldn’t it make life just that much more enjoyable and entertaining?

But then again, these are only the mere thoughts of a jobless journalist.  :)

Ice Cream

When you lose someone a hole forms.  A hole the size of the sun.  It feels like it might swallow you whole.  The hole that formed inside of me felt as though it would take me over and I may never get to see the sky again, which is a huge deal for me because I am quite the weather fanatic.

It would seem as though you could fill the whole with something instantly, I mean don’t you think?  Why not?  We can have basically everything else at the touch of a button; human contact, directions, music, books, cash, pizza.  We have a quick fix for everything.  There are crash diets like the split-pea soup diet, which just sounds wrong to me.  There are hair products and mechanisms to transform your look.  To go even further, there are procedures and surgeries that can make you look like a completely different person altogether.  That option is mostly for the likes of fame-hungry reality stars though.  You should all know exactly who I am talking about and if you don’t, maybe crawl out from under your rock and get some fresh air.  I am worried about you.

But anyway, most of the time, I just try and fill this hole with ice cream.  Ice cream is clinically proven to improve your day.  Google it.  I dare you.  I usually go get some mint chocolate chip ice cream and hope that by ingesting a bazillion calories, the contents will drain quickly into that hole.  It seems to work, until the next day when I feel like a complete blob of a person.  As I hurry to the gym or really just walk around the block a couple of times, I realize that there is no way this hole is ever going to fill up.  I can use a quick fix and cover it for a while, but if you know quick fixes, they don’t last.

That hole is like a battle wound.  It will heal but it won’t heal for a while.  It is eased by treating it and taking care of it.  You have to drain it of all of its poison and make sure there is no infection.  Okay enough with that.  All I am saying is that the best way to fill that hole is to look at it directly and deal with it.  Take out all of the bad of the person or situation and tackle it.  There is no way around it.  It will never heal if you don’t forgive or move on.

But then again, these are only the mere thoughts of a jobless journalist.  :)